top of page

Woman Stopped Using Hand Sanitizer Because It Was Really Drying Out Her Vagina

As the COVID-19 pandemic starts to *fingers-crossed* wind down, Mary reflects back on her decision to stop using hand sanitizer on her vagina.


“At the beginning of the pandemic, it was so easy,” Mary says. “There were dispensers everywhere. It didn’t matter if I was at the grocery store or the doctor’s office; I always took some hand sanitizer and rubbed it all over my vagine. Sure, it stung, but I didn’t want to be the freak that wasn’t using any.” Unfortunately, Mary’s concern for herself and her community came at a heavy price. It left her vag dry af.


She recognizes that while it does say “hand” in the title, she figured “hands” were just a jumping-off point. Mary is quoted as saying, “when it comes to my briar patch’s health, I’m not going to take any shortcuts. Women’s health is too often overlooked, and I refuse to let it happen on my watch.”


Mary is quoted as describing herself as a “hero.”


She continued, “I was willing to do anything to keep my freshwater, whole-bellied clam from catching COVID, and I definitely didn’t want to give my grandma’s freshwater, whole-bellied clam COVID. I couldn’t have my grandma’s freshwater, whole-bellied clam’s blood on my hands like that. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. I’m no Cuomo.”


Cuomo didn’t consent to comment.


Mary clarified, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m literally so horny for everything the CDC says to do, but I’m drawing the line on using these alcohol-based K-Y Jellies on my Suez Canal anymore. I shouldn’t have to live like this! COVID has already taken so much from me.”


Babe, we literally support you. You don’t have to do this anymore. I mean, definitely stay horny for the CDC, but you can totally stop rubbing hand sanitizer on your Amazon box.

bottom of page